


In Flames I Sleep Soundly

by Anonymous



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Kageyama Tobio-centric, M/M, Minor Character Death, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:14:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28905441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: The first time Tobio learns about soulmates, he is 8 years old. His sister is in love with someone she doesn’t know, and Tobio just doesn’t understand it. The concept of love is already hard enough for the young boy to comprehend, but to feel that for someone you’ve never even met?-x-A soulmate AU in which you see through the eyes of your soulmate if you cover your left eye.(Title from 'Wedding Song' by Yeah Yeah Yeahs)
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 12
Kudos: 32
Collections: Kagehina Exchange





	In Flames I Sleep Soundly

**Author's Note:**

  * For [haikyall](https://archiveofourown.org/users/haikyall/gifts).



The first time Tobio learns about soulmates, he is 8 years old. His sister is in love with someone she doesn’t know, and Tobio just doesn’t understand it. The concept of love is already hard enough for the young boy to comprehend, but to feel that for someone you’ve never even met?

“She’s my soulmate,” Miwa says simply when he asks. “We’re meant to be together.”

“How do you know?” Tobio asks, curiosity piqued. Meant to be? That doesn’t sound so bad.

“Maybe you should ask mom about this,” she replies with a frown.

So he does. There’s a lot that he still doesn’t quite understand, but things are starting to make sense. His main take-aways from the conversation are as follows: if you have a soulmate, you can see through their eyes by covering one of yours – Tobio doesn’t remember which.

As he lies in bed that night, Tobio tries it. He holds his hand over his right eye and concentrates. Nothing happens. Scrunching up his face, he strains his eyes to _look harder._ Still nothing. Only a little disheartened, he tries covering his other eye.

Suddenly Tobio is face-to-face with a woman he doesn’t know. She leans over his bed, smiling softly down at him. Her lips move, but Tobio can’t hear what she’s saying. Tucking a lock of fluffy orange hair behind her ear, she leans down to kiss his forehead, but Tobio doesn’t feel the pressure of lips against his skin. Then she leaves the room, turning the light off on her way out, and everything goes black.

Tobio gasps as he pulls his hand away from his eye, heart pounding furiously in his chest. Sitting up, he rubs both fists into his tired eyes, keeping them closed until his breathing begins to even out.

It takes him a while, but when he finally sleeps that night, he dreams of sweet smiles and fiery orange hair.

-x-

Tobio doesn’t look again after that, not for years. There’s something too intimate about it, to see the life of someone he doesn’t know. Someone who he’s meant to be with. But he never forgets the face of the woman who tucked his soulmate into bed that night. Her tender expression and feathered-flame hair are singed into his memory, hidden away to be quietly, privately cherished.

The next time Tobio does look, he is 13 and heartbroken. His grandfather is gone, and Tobio has never felt more alone than he does in this moment. So he looks.

When the funeral is over and Tobio’s family is occupied with the wake, he slips away to his bedroom. He feels numb – as if his heart has been struck still by his grief. As his eyes water and itch, he lifts his hand to cover his left.

He sees a young girl, a blaze of amber hair fanning out around rosy cheeks. A hand enters his vision, small and pale, and ruffles through the girl’s hair. The girl grins, arms swatting at the hand – Tobio’s soulmate’s hand. Then arms are swooping her up, her mouth parted in giggles silent to Tobio’s ears as his soulmate spins her around gleefully. The sight prods at Tobio’s motionless heart.

How ironic, that his soulmate is experiencing such warmth in the same moment that Tobio is finding himself left in the cold. Even so, Tobio can’t bring himself to feel any sort of resentment for his soulmate. If anything, he’s glad that the person he is destined to be with seems to attract nothing but joy and beauty. It inspires a hope in Tobio that maybe he may one day be able to share it.

But for now, he’ll dry his eyes, straighten his tie, and begin trying to mend his broken heart.

-x-

Tobio looks more often from then on. Not _too_ often, though, even if he does find that doing so always seems to stir a pleasant glow in his chest. When he’s looking through his soulmates eyes, Tobio is _always_ surrounded by smiles. There is always love, so much that sometimes Tobio can’t bear to take his hand away and return to his own life.

He learns a lot about his soulmate through his stolen glances; it seems that the girl is their sister, the woman their mother. They have friends too, a seemingly infinite number of people upon whom they can rely and with whom they can laugh and smile.

Life for Tobio, however, is very much the opposite. After the death of his grandfather, Tobio throws himself into volleyball, the last connection he has to his mentor. But it isn’t enough.

He’s slipping, winning suddenly becoming more important than anything else, and he’s pushing his team away. He’s pushing everyone away, really, but he doesn’t know how to stop it. Winning means that he can play again, and that is his priority. More games, more time on the court; there’s nothing else.

When the whistle blows and the ball falls heavy to the floor behind him, Tobio knows. He knows that his team is gone. You can’t push so hard and expect people to stay – Tobio _knows_ this, but it hurts all the same.

The bench is hard and cold as he sits, sweat dripping into his eyes as he watches his team go on without him. He can’t do this. He can’t watch.

He barely finds his voice, choking out an excuse to his coach before he’s running. Down stadium corridors and through wide double doors, Tobio runs until his chest is heaving, until the wind is cooling the sweat on his back and he feels soft mud under his volleyball shoes. Leaning against a tree to catch his breath, he does the only thing he can think to do. He looks.

He’s come to love this particular shade of orange. It _burns,_ commands Tobio’s attention and doesn’t relent. But this time, the familiar hair adorns a face he doesn’t recognise.

Unblinking, he stares into the burnt umber eyes of a boy, features recognisable for their similarity to that of his mother and sister. Captured, Tobio stares into the reflected eyes of his soulmate.

And he understands. He knows now what Miwa had known all those years ago. He knows what it means to fall in love with someone he’s never met, to feel so deeply in his being that he is meant to be with this boy with the wildfire hair.

The boy scrubs his hands down his face, water dripping from his jaw and onto his green volleyball jersey–

Wait. Volleyball jersey? Where _is_ he? Tobio watches, breath held in anticipation, as the boy dries off his hands and leaves the bathroom. The halls he walks down are familiar, _too_ familiar to Tobio, and he doesn’t know if he should dare hope.

A cold, scaled insecurity slithers to drape itself over his shoulders. This boy is light. He is the sun, giving life and light to all who find themselves in his presence. And Tobio, well...Tobio feels like the empty, starless sky, bare and lifeless. How could he ever think to deserve such a soulmate?

Tobio rips his hand from his face, suddenly so terrified of seeing, of _knowing._ Whipping his head around, he tries to gauge his location. Just how far did he run? He doesn’t think about it, instead beginning to make his way back to the stadium. His game should be ending soon; maybe he can make it back in time to see the end.

His pace is brisk, his shoulders stiff, and soon enough he is back at the glass doors that lead into what now feels like the unknown. He tries not to think of the boy as he steps inside, tense and coursing with adrenaline. The squelch of his shoes brings him back into the present – they’re not going to let him back onto the court in such a state.

Head down, he keeps his eyes on the ground as he tries to find a bathroom where he can get himself cleaned up. The familiarity of the route sets off alarm bells in his head but he marches on, mind set on his one objective.

He manages his task without incident, his heart rate finally beginning to settle as he weaves through the corridors back to the main court. His team is lining up when he enters, his coach’s eyes boring into him as Tobio breaks into a jog to stand with them. He’s spared a lecture as they bow, but he suspects his coach won’t let him leave today without a very difficult conversation first.

The thought dissolves in Tobio’s mind, forgotten as he catches a glimpse of solar-flare orange at the edge of the court. He feels his heart drop to his stomach, throat constricting as he tries to draw breath. _It’s him._

Dark amber eyes survey the scene hungrily, taking everything in with a mischievous glint. Tobio just stares dumbly, mind disconnected as his coach ushers him and the team towards the door. He’s the last of his team past the threshold, moving on instinct alone, eyes never leaving that single ray of sunshine.

“Shou-chan!” another green-clad teen calls, and Tobio’s soulmate turns in response. _Shou._

Tobio is rooted, frozen in place. His team is probably long gone by now, but he doesn’t care. They can leave him behind if they wish – they’d probably all be happier for it – if it means he can look at this bonfire boy for just a second longer.

He isn’t so lucky, in the end, his coach appearing by his side to all but drag him from the court. But seared into Tobio’s mind is the image of _him,_ midair as he prepares to spike a practice ball. As he watches Shou fly, Tobio feels his heart soar in kind.

-x-

As watching the world through Shou’s eyes becomes part of Tobio’s daily routine, Tobio can’t help but wonder if Shou has ever looked through _his._ It wouldn’t be unusual; after all, Tobio has been looking for almost half of his life with varying frequency. If Shou has looked, Tobio would like to know what he’s seen. He would like to know if Shou feels the same squeezing hand around his heart when he covers his left eye, so desperate for just a glimpse into the life of his destined partner.

Has Shou ever seen Tobio’s face? Has he ever had a moment, like Tobio, where he finds himself staring into the reflection of unfamiliar eyes and just _knowing?_ The thought exhilarates and terrifies him in equal measure.

Mirrors become a source of anxiety for Tobio. He brushes his teeth with his eyes closed, averts his eyes when he passes any reflective surface. Maybe it’s too late; maybe Shou has already seen his face, but Tobio persists regardless.

He will find Shou – of this he has no doubts. The goal is not to hide from Shou. All he wants is to be his best possible self first, so that when he does find Shou, there can be the wisp of a chance that Shou might just love him back.

-x-

Tobio is 16 when Shou’s world turns to darkness, dragging Tobio down with it. It doesn’t happen gradually, but all at once, as if the sun were one day shot from the sky, a free bird hunted and felled in a devastating instant.

He rubs his eyes raw searching for _something_ , just a flash of orange, just a slender and pale hand, _something_ to tell him that Shou is alright.

But there’s nothing. When Tobio covers his left eye he sees nothing. No matter how much he stares, unblinking til his eyes water and capillaries burst, he sees nothing.

-x-

It takes months for Tobio to give up. He’d told himself that he never would, but even the willpower of a king will wane in the face of such hopelessness. This, unlike Shou’s darkness, happens in waves, in small chunks chipped away from Tobio’s resolve.

He still avoids mirrors, unable to stand the steel blue that stares back, the still and bare night sky that he wishes were the bright and blinding sun.

Entering his 17th year, Tobio’s loneliness becomes smothering. Volleyball has become nothing but a knife in his heart, twisting when he thinks of all that he has lost; his team, his grandfather, his sunlight.

He often looks back on that day, remembers the arch of Shou’s back as he rose, weightless and ethereal, the fluorescent gym lights bathing him in their glow. That’s how Tobio remembers Shou. Beautiful and vibrant and _burning._

He wonders if he’ll ever again feel the way he felt as he’d watched Shou soar. He wonders if he ever wants to.

-x-

Tomorrow is Miwa’s wedding, and Tobio cannot sleep. Well, technically, _today_ is Miwa’s wedding, midnight long since passed during Tobio’s tossing and turning.

His exhaustion seems to run bone-deep, his head heavy on his pillow and limbs leaden beneath his sheets. And tonight is so bittersweet for Tobio.

Because as much as he loves his sister, as happy as he is for her that she is about to spend the rest of her life with her destined love, he can’t help the jealousy that rises like bile at the back of his throat.

He hates it, hates how his regret and his heartache are encroaching on his sister’s special day. He hates how he can’t just put his own issues aside for a single day for the sake of his sister’s happiness. He hates how utterly selfish he is.

A frustrated tear slides down his cheek. He knows what he wants to do, but knows just as well that it will only hurt. But Tobio always has been a glutton for punishment.

So he looks.

And he sees flame.

Suddenly more alert than he has ever been, Tobio shoots upright, hand falling from his face in surprise. For so many months he has longed for that particular shade of orange, that now he’s seen it again he doesn’t believe it’s real. It must be his fatigued mind showing him what he so desperately wants to see. _But what if it isn’t?_

So he looks again.

The fire still burns, and Tobio breaks.

She’s there – Shou’s mother and her soft and tender smile. Her eyes are drooping and tired, ringed a teary red, but she looks happy. Shou turns his head and his sister comes into view, taller than Tobio remembers but still just as bright.

The room looks sterile, the vivid white of hospital walls washing out the already pale skin of Shou’s family, but they still smile. Tobio can feel the tears running down his face but he is frozen in place, determined to drink in every detail of the scene.

When Shou’s eyes slip closed seconds later, they don’t reopen. But it’s okay; Tobio finally has hope again.

-x-

Slowly, and ever so strenuously, Shou gets better. Tobio doesn’t even know what happened to him, only that he spends a long time in the hospital after the period of darkness, a prolonged sleep that Tobio doesn’t quite understand. But Shou’s family stay by him, and they still smile, and their love for him still radiates from them like light from a star. And that ember of hope that lives inside Tobio’s chest grows day by day, every time he looks through Shou’s eyes and knows that his sun still shines.

When Shou is discharged from the hospital, Tobio watches for a very long time, still and patient as Shou walks unsteadily, holding the arm of his mother for support. There’s an ache of longing, and Tobio knows that it’s time.

He needs to find Shou. After spending so long without him, he knows he can’t keep waiting. Tobio may not be the best possible version of himself, but what does that matter if by the time he reaches his peak, Shou is gone? And maybe Tobio doesn’t deserve someone who burns as brightly as Shou, but if the universe has deemed them soulmates then Tobio will work every day of his life to prove himself worthy.

Because he knows now, he knows that’s what love is. It’s not about what you deserve, but what you are given. Love is striving to be your best even when it’s impossible to fail. Love is given unconditionally, but you give it your all in return because, while love is not earned, it should be cherished.

And Tobio will cherish Shou. He just needs to find him first.

-x-

Tobio toils, sinks hours and days and months into looking for Shou. But the boy is like a needle in a haystack; after all, Tobio has nothing to go off but a first name and a vague location. A breakthrough comes when, at the end of his tether, Tobio looks up news articles and records of boys his age who have been involved in incidents that could result in a prolonged hospital stay.

Scouring through the search engine pages, Tobio reads article after article that leave a solid weight in his stomach. One more click, and one more after that, because how could Tobio ever stop? How could he ever give up, when he’s tried that once before and was left a husk of a person? So one more click, always one more.

Until it’s true. Until that one more click brings up the image of a boy with a blaze of orange hair.

From this article Tobio learns a lot about his soulmate. His name is Hinata Shouyou. He lives with his mother and his sister in Miyagi, just like Tobio. Volleyball is his entire life. He used to cycle to school, over a mountain to get there, every single day. It was at the summit that they found him, body broken beside his mangled bike.

Tears flow endlessly as Tobio reads, tears of despair that Shou, his Shou, had been left for dead. Tears of relief and gratitude that he had been found and rescued and had eventually started to recover. Tears of elation that Tobio had finally found him.

_Oh God, he’d finally found him._

-x-

As Tobio stands in an unfamiliar area of an unfamiliar town, eyes fixed on the unfamiliar school in front of him, his heart is pounding. This is Shou’s school. Shou is _here_ – well, Tobio _hopes_ that he’s here. The article had mentioned Shou’s love for volleyball, and even though his body is not fully recovered yet, Tobio thinks that Shou would probably still show up for practice. After all, that’s what Tobio would do.

The sun slowly sets as Tobio waits, his plan to catch Shou as he leaves practice and tell him everything. _Do you recognise me?_ he’ll ask, and Shou will nod and beam as bright as a supernova, saying, _yes, of course I do._ Tobio’s pulse is still thrumming in his ears at the thought, anticipation putting him on edge, but he waits.

Then he sees it, that burst of flame that tells him that home is here, that one particular shade that makes Tobio’s heart seize in his chest. Shou walks with two other boys towards the school gate, and it’s no surprise to Tobio that both of Shou’s companions are grinning from ear to ear. He smiles to himself; he knows by now how contagious Shou’s lively energy is.

“Hinata!” Tobio calls as Shou and his friends come through the gate.

Shou stops, eyes wide, his mouth open in surprise and maybe confusion. His friends have stopped too, their faces showing nothing but curiosity. Tobio takes a few steps towards them.

“Hinata, I’m Kageyama Tobio,” he says, staring into Shou’s eyes for a hint of recognition. But Shou looks at him like a stranger, his friends standing like bodyguards beside him. _This isn’t how it was supposed to go._ “Can we talk?”

Shou and his friends share a silent look, one that clearly says that they don’t want to leave Shou alone with Tobio. Tobio curses himself, wishing he hadn’t been so afraid of being seen by Shou, wondering if maybe now things would have been different.

Squeezing his eyes tightly shut, he bows. “Please.” He stays there, bent at the waist, eyes clamped shut and heart in his throat. _Please, please, please._

“It’s okay, guys. I’ll see you tomorrow.” There’s a sigh, and then the sound of feet crunching against gravel, before Shou speaks again. “You can get up, you know.”

Tobio does, opening his eyes and finding the two of them alone. Now is his chance, but he can’t speak, can’t move under the weight of those eyes. And that smile, _oh God,_ Tobio will never tire of that smile, wants to be the reason that smile is there. Shou squints at him quizzically, but still smiling, always smiling.

“Um, have we met before, or something? I’m sorry, I really don’t remember you...” He rubs the back of his neck awkwardly, looking towards the ground and away from Tobio’s unwavering stare.

“You don’t know me?” Tobio asks, voice sounding small even to himself. Shou looks up at him then, looks right into his eyes, and Tobio _feels_ small.

“I’m sorry,” Shou repeats, face now a frown. Shame washes over Tobio at the thought that _he_ is the one who wiped that smile from Shou’s face.

No more waiting. _Do it now._

Tobio takes a deep breath and dives. “I’m your soulmate.” _Please say you want me._

Shou’s eyes search Tobio’s face, the silence constricting, making it hard to breathe.

“I think you have the wrong person,” Shou says, tone apologetic. “I already have a soulmate.”

For the second time in his life, Tobio feels his world crumble around him.

Everything sounds garbled in his ears, as if he were underwater. He hears pieces of what Shou is saying, words drowned out by the thunder in his ears. His breaths are shallow and rattle in his chest. _Please, no._

“Um, I really am sorry, Kageyama. I hope you find the right person soon!” Shou says, and the pity on his face makes Tobio feel sick.

As Shou walks away, Tobio lets himself be weak. “I know it’s you, Shouyou. It can only be you.”

Shou stops, and in the stillness of the twilight air, Tobio allows himself to hope. _Please, Shou. Please say it’s me you want._

Looking over his shoulder, remorse in his eyes, Shou speaks the words that will crack Tobio’s heart irreparably. “But it isn’t you.”

This time, when Shou walks away, Tobio lets him go.

-x-

Coming to terms with the loss of his soulmate isn’t any easier the second time around, even less so when this loss is one by choice. Tobio is sinking, darkness taking him without Shou as a beacon to light his way. No, Shou is not his; someone else gets to bask in Shou’s radiance, to find themself warmed by his glow.

And it all makes sense, really. Tobio had always known that he wasn’t worthy of Shou. He had always known that Shou burned far too brightly, that Tobio was destined to be consumed. But he would do it again in a heartbeat – anything to feel that warmth.

He doesn’t look for a long time. Why would he? Shou is not his and it all hurts too much for even a glance at that which he can’t have. Years and years pass and his resolve stays firm. Because Shou is not his.

But Tobio’s life goes on. He continues with volleyball, manages to excel enough to be scouted. He moves cities, then countries, always climbing higher and wanting more. As high as he gets, he never flies. That was never his place.

To an outsider, Tobio is successful. He has exceeded expectations, gone above and beyond what anyone ever thought possible for that abrasive tyrant boy he used to be. He even has friends now, a team on which he can rely and people that he can trust. And he knows that he deserves as much. Despite it all, Tobio knows that he deserves to be loved.

Even if he still pines for a boy made of sunlight. Even if that boy will never want him back.

Still, Tobio is content. Or, as content as one can be when resigned to a life of voluntary solitude. Maybe it’s the resignation that does it, the pure, deep-seated acceptance that he has at last achieved that finally pushes him to look. _Just one last look._

That flare of orange still sends a shock through Tobio, even after all this time. But the hair isn’t Shou’s; it’s that of a girl, so tiny and so sweet, toddling into Shou’s waiting arms. He scoops her up, holds her close, and Tobio has long since given up trying to hold back his tears. He lets them fall as Shou showers his little girl with love.

And as Shou turns to see the beaming face looking back at him, the one that Tobio just _knows_ is Shou’s soulmate, Tobio finds that he has no regrets. If this is how things had to be for Shou to be happy, then so be it. If Tobio was nothing but kindling to keep Shou ablaze, then so be it.


End file.
